There is an awkward cultural stereotype that gay men have obsessions with their mother. It is an image that shows up frequently in mass media and never in a good way. For the record, I do plan on calling my own mother today. I like to think that I have a relatively "normal" (whatever the bleep that means) relationship with my own mom.
However, there are plenty of people out there who do not have "normal" relationships with their parents. It goes without saying that there are more than a few individuals out there who have not been raised by kind loving parents, but by absentee, neglectful, if not outright abusive parents.
No, not all parents are abusive fucks. Not all parents are absent or neglectful. There are many who are kind, nurturing, and loving. Who teach their kids to be strong in a dark world by setting examples of proper behavior.
But what about those parents who are not? What are Mothers or Fathers day like for those who were raised by parents who were the opposite of loving and kind? Heck, what is Mothers/Fathers day like for those who lost their mother or father in a particularly tragic manor?
Not to mention, there is the issue of parents who are trying but are otherwise unable to conceive a child. I imagine days like Mothers and Fathers day might be a little tough to navigate. Admittedly, I can't speak for anyone here, I'm just speculating.
Then there is the issue of that even with Mothers and Fathers day, there are those parents who identify outside the gender binary. And let's face it, having a Mothers and Fathers as separate days is designed to normalize heteronormative relationship styles where Moms and Dads fill vastly different parenting roles. If Moms and Dads are not supposed to fill different roles, why would they need separate days to be honored? Admittedly, while it wouldn't solve the other issues, I sometimes wonder if it might not be a bad idea to have a gender neutral Parents Day for those individuals who might wish to show some gratitude for those responsible for their upbringing.
On a more philosophical note, I really cannot think of any other widely celebrated holidays that are designed to focus our attention on a specific relationship. Is their a spouses day? Friends day? Uncles or Aunts day? All other holidays are relationship neutral, so to speak. The exception might be Valentines Day. One can celebrate them (or not) with those families and friends that one chooses. In other words, there is no other holiday where one needs to have a living individual who filled (role X) in our lives before the holiday can be celebrated. Which does in fact make Mothers and Fathers day, kind of, well exclusive.
Just some food for thought.
Showing posts with label gender queer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label gender queer. Show all posts
June 7, 2011
Queer Issue: Thoughts on the Failed Sissy Boy Experiements
I just got done watching Anderson Cooper's 360 report on "The Sissy Boy Expirement". For a couple of reasons I want to discuss here, this viewing has left me somewhat emotionally shaken.
In this report (which can be watched below) Cooper talks about the experiments done on "Kraig" in order to make him more masculine. Kraig later committed suicide at age 38. It is stories like this remind me that as bad as I sometimes think I had it growing up, there are those who had it much worse.
The reason I am so emotional now is because how much my experiences growing up mimic Kraig. When I was a kid I played with these dolls (I believe they were called treasure trolls) and spent a lot of time cutting up socks and combing their hair. I can remember at the same time that I started playing with these dolls, that I was also starting to develop attraction to members of my own sex. If I knew friends were coming over, I made very sure that these toys were well hidden. But when I was alone, I spent a lot of doing things I imagine many of my more macho friends were not.
I also spent a lot of time reading (there was no TV in the house). Granted most of this was stuff like The Hardy Boys or The Boxcar Children but I also spent a lot of time reading a series called The Babysitters Club which was aimed exclusively at those of a feminine persuasion.
I feel I should be grateful then, that while my Mom's reaction to my coming out was not perfect (Sorry Mom, but telling your son that he's now safe to be dating girls because now there's no risk of him raping them, is not quite the best response), at least I was not shipped off to an Ex-Gay camp to be subjected to extreme aversion therapy.
Like Kraig, I did try to commmit suicide. Thankfully, unlike him, I did not succeed. While "The Sissy Boy Experiment" was a terrible thing, it simply a more extreme example of what society does to queer people everyday. Color coded chips may not be used to keep score, but people are constantly rewarded for conforming to heterosexual gender norms by *not* being subjected to bullying, not having to fear the lose of job and housing, or in the most extreme cases, not having to face actual violence.
What George Reekers, who did the study that was the focus of this report, was attempting to justify and normalize societies discrimination and ostracizing of LGBTQIA people. The fact that he failed is not surprising, but the fact that someone had the balls to do this is not only shocking, but is also extremely frightening on many levels.
In this report (which can be watched below) Cooper talks about the experiments done on "Kraig" in order to make him more masculine. Kraig later committed suicide at age 38. It is stories like this remind me that as bad as I sometimes think I had it growing up, there are those who had it much worse.
The reason I am so emotional now is because how much my experiences growing up mimic Kraig. When I was a kid I played with these dolls (I believe they were called treasure trolls) and spent a lot of time cutting up socks and combing their hair. I can remember at the same time that I started playing with these dolls, that I was also starting to develop attraction to members of my own sex. If I knew friends were coming over, I made very sure that these toys were well hidden. But when I was alone, I spent a lot of doing things I imagine many of my more macho friends were not.
I also spent a lot of time reading (there was no TV in the house). Granted most of this was stuff like The Hardy Boys or The Boxcar Children but I also spent a lot of time reading a series called The Babysitters Club which was aimed exclusively at those of a feminine persuasion.
I feel I should be grateful then, that while my Mom's reaction to my coming out was not perfect (Sorry Mom, but telling your son that he's now safe to be dating girls because now there's no risk of him raping them, is not quite the best response), at least I was not shipped off to an Ex-Gay camp to be subjected to extreme aversion therapy.
Like Kraig, I did try to commmit suicide. Thankfully, unlike him, I did not succeed. While "The Sissy Boy Experiment" was a terrible thing, it simply a more extreme example of what society does to queer people everyday. Color coded chips may not be used to keep score, but people are constantly rewarded for conforming to heterosexual gender norms by *not* being subjected to bullying, not having to fear the lose of job and housing, or in the most extreme cases, not having to face actual violence.
What George Reekers, who did the study that was the focus of this report, was attempting to justify and normalize societies discrimination and ostracizing of LGBTQIA people. The fact that he failed is not surprising, but the fact that someone had the balls to do this is not only shocking, but is also extremely frightening on many levels.
May 30, 2011
Queer Issue: Who am I?
Okay, here is the issue I promised you earlier, the solution to the conundrum I raised here. That conundrum being, how do I define who I am, without using negative descriptions? For example, anything that begins with "I am not...".
Well, let me say it again, I do not wish to define myself as a man. Biologically, I am male, yes. Now by "biological" I am referring of course to our physical bodies, which have certain rules and restrictions placed upon them. Yes, I could have surgery to change my body but as I like I said before, I have chosen not to. However, there are restrictions placed upon what I can do. For example, I am not aware of any techniques that have been developed that allow a person to change their genetic code whole sale. We are stuck with whatever allowance or combination of X and Y chromosomes we were given at birth. Nor could I one day decide that I wanted my heart removed so I could put a giant nuclear reactor in my chest like Tony Stark did in the Ironman movies.
However, while our biological/physical bodies may have certain restrictions placed upon them, there are no rules that state that those bodies in turn force us into certain behaviors, self expression, outward appearance, or capabilities. Just because one has a penis or a vagina or is an intersex individual, does not mean that one should be restricted along gender lines in one's clothing choices, career and educational pursuits, or how one behaves in public or private.
That is to say, biology is where we begin, it does not have to restrict where we end up. Our physical bodies should not dictate how we identify ourselves or how we are treated by society.
But I am getting ahead of myself here a bit. What I wanted to talk about was how attending a wedding in Illinois led me to the solution I had wanted for some time now. It was while sitting in the audience, listening to a preacher give a heteronormative spiel along the lines of how "God made man for woman and woman for man" that it hit me. Why the hell do we focus so much on gender polarization so much anyways?
Why is gender itself, even necessary as a societal construct. As I talked about earlier, there are reasons, mostly medical, that make it reasonable to define ourselves along biological traits. However, there is almost no reason for us to make laws or impart social norms that create restrictions along gender. Think for example, of the laws in place at the time of the Stonewall Riots that said one had to have three items of clothing that matched your gender or one would be arrested. So let me repeat what I said earlier, biology is only the beginning, not the end. We are born with a particular set of body parts and genes, but these physical attributes are not a prison for our destiny. We can choose who we are.
What I am getting at is this: How come we cannot simply see ourselves as people? This finally, is my solution. I am not a man, nor am I a woman. I am human. That is all.
Well, let me say it again, I do not wish to define myself as a man. Biologically, I am male, yes. Now by "biological" I am referring of course to our physical bodies, which have certain rules and restrictions placed upon them. Yes, I could have surgery to change my body but as I like I said before, I have chosen not to. However, there are restrictions placed upon what I can do. For example, I am not aware of any techniques that have been developed that allow a person to change their genetic code whole sale. We are stuck with whatever allowance or combination of X and Y chromosomes we were given at birth. Nor could I one day decide that I wanted my heart removed so I could put a giant nuclear reactor in my chest like Tony Stark did in the Ironman movies.
However, while our biological/physical bodies may have certain restrictions placed upon them, there are no rules that state that those bodies in turn force us into certain behaviors, self expression, outward appearance, or capabilities. Just because one has a penis or a vagina or is an intersex individual, does not mean that one should be restricted along gender lines in one's clothing choices, career and educational pursuits, or how one behaves in public or private.
That is to say, biology is where we begin, it does not have to restrict where we end up. Our physical bodies should not dictate how we identify ourselves or how we are treated by society.
But I am getting ahead of myself here a bit. What I wanted to talk about was how attending a wedding in Illinois led me to the solution I had wanted for some time now. It was while sitting in the audience, listening to a preacher give a heteronormative spiel along the lines of how "God made man for woman and woman for man" that it hit me. Why the hell do we focus so much on gender polarization so much anyways?
Why is gender itself, even necessary as a societal construct. As I talked about earlier, there are reasons, mostly medical, that make it reasonable to define ourselves along biological traits. However, there is almost no reason for us to make laws or impart social norms that create restrictions along gender. Think for example, of the laws in place at the time of the Stonewall Riots that said one had to have three items of clothing that matched your gender or one would be arrested. So let me repeat what I said earlier, biology is only the beginning, not the end. We are born with a particular set of body parts and genes, but these physical attributes are not a prison for our destiny. We can choose who we are.
What I am getting at is this: How come we cannot simply see ourselves as people? This finally, is my solution. I am not a man, nor am I a woman. I am human. That is all.
May 13, 2011
Queer Issue: Defining Oneself
Man or woman, male or female, these are the choices that have been presented to individuals since the beginning. One was born, slapped on the rear by a doctor, allowed a good cry, and then either "It's a Girl!" or "It's a Boy!" or if one was an intersex individual "It needs surgery!"
Once this declaration was made, one was shepherded through life with this label emblazoned on every pink dress and blue bib. There was never any chance for any sort of grey. If one was a man, one was supposed to work to support your family, know how to fix a car, enjoy sports, and be better at things like math and science. If one was a woman, one was supposed to stay home to raise the kids, know how to cook and clean, enjoy knitting, and be better at things like writing and artistic endeavors.
While gender roles have slowly become eroded, women are entering the workplace and stay at home dads are not as uncommon as they once used to be, there still remains another issue. We still tend to think in terms of binary classification. The possibility that one is something other than male nor female, still tends to be ignored.
The reason I wanted to talk about this is because I never felt comfortable saying "I am a man". I also felt a little twitch whenever someone else described me as such. There are implications to go along with that suit and label that do not fit me at all.
So then I can that I am not a man. Fine, but what am I? What identity shall I choose instead? This question has arguably been bothering me for some time, nagging at the back of my head whenever I could not sleep at night.
Here's what I have come up with instead. I am not a man, but I am biologically male and see no reason to change that. I also do not want to identify as a woman either.
Unfortunately, that leaves me with a bit of a quandary, philosophically speaking. I know what I am not, but have a harder time figuring out what I am. I do not like the idea of defining oneself in negative terms. I can use the term gender-queer, and that fits me well enough that it will have to do for the time being.
So while I intend to continue to explore this issue, consider this my coming out as a gay gender queer.
Once this declaration was made, one was shepherded through life with this label emblazoned on every pink dress and blue bib. There was never any chance for any sort of grey. If one was a man, one was supposed to work to support your family, know how to fix a car, enjoy sports, and be better at things like math and science. If one was a woman, one was supposed to stay home to raise the kids, know how to cook and clean, enjoy knitting, and be better at things like writing and artistic endeavors.
While gender roles have slowly become eroded, women are entering the workplace and stay at home dads are not as uncommon as they once used to be, there still remains another issue. We still tend to think in terms of binary classification. The possibility that one is something other than male nor female, still tends to be ignored.
The reason I wanted to talk about this is because I never felt comfortable saying "I am a man". I also felt a little twitch whenever someone else described me as such. There are implications to go along with that suit and label that do not fit me at all.
So then I can that I am not a man. Fine, but what am I? What identity shall I choose instead? This question has arguably been bothering me for some time, nagging at the back of my head whenever I could not sleep at night.
Here's what I have come up with instead. I am not a man, but I am biologically male and see no reason to change that. I also do not want to identify as a woman either.
Unfortunately, that leaves me with a bit of a quandary, philosophically speaking. I know what I am not, but have a harder time figuring out what I am. I do not like the idea of defining oneself in negative terms. I can use the term gender-queer, and that fits me well enough that it will have to do for the time being.
So while I intend to continue to explore this issue, consider this my coming out as a gay gender queer.
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